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家长学校双语阅读课程(4)——教孩子如何应对挫折

已有1680次阅读 | 2010-5-12 21:26:09 | 日志类别:家教感悟


父母新知:教孩子如何应对挫折 翻译:孩子们 | 2010-04-25 21:29:02 | 阅读7795


       不管我们读过多少育儿读物、付出多少精神鼓励、 讨好多少老师,孩子始终会遇到挫折。挫折是生活中微小而重要的一环,就算成功人士也不例外。比如爱因斯坦,他错误夭折的猜想多于成功验证的猜想;又比如泰格伍兹,他输掉的比赛多于获胜的比赛。这些名人都善于从失败中吸取教训,他们将失败当做努力奋 斗的动力。对我们的孩子来说也是这样,我们不能保证孩子能避免挫折,但通过了解以下观点,我们可以教导孩子如何有效地化悲愤为力量、化挫折为动力。

       失败说明正在努力。让孩子懂得失败并不代表没有能力,它仅仅是准备工作不足的表现。例如您的孩子每周花五天、每天花两小时学习数学,可成绩仍不理想,那么您 就要和孩子重新评估这种学习方法是否正确。切记学习成绩不能反映智力或数学能力水平,它只是一个解决问题的契机:他该怎么做才能考好数学考试,是学习时 间不够多、没掌握好学习内容?是考试没复习好?还是仅仅因为课程太难,他每天需要花三小时而不仅是两小时在学习上?确保凡事都有解决办法,借不理想的考试 结果激励孩子改掉不良学习 习惯、找到新的学习方法,或者简单来说,让他学习更加努力。

       世上无难事,只怕有心人。研究表明如果孩子认为天赋能力决定结果,他们就会轻易放弃努力;如果认为努力付出决定结果,他们就会坚持到底。这说明,假如您告诉 孩子成绩反映智力水平,那么她在考试成绩不理想时就会心灰意冷,认为自己是不够聪明才没考好;但如果您说成绩只反映是否努力学习,她便会把差强人意的考试 成绩当做学习不够用功的表现,继而努力学习。向孩子强调努力是获得成功的关键,孩子遇到挫折时便会迎难而上视之为一项挑战。

       夸奖努力,多多益善。研究发现因为努力而得到表扬的孩子会积极面对挑战,而因自身天赋获得赞美的孩子则不敢面对挑战,更轻易放弃。难道您的遗传基因创造出一 个天才是您的错? 当然不是。不过您还是应该多夸奖孩子付出的努力,而不是他的天赋。例如当他成功进入足球队时,您应该说“干得好。你在场下拼命训练,现在得到回报了”,而 不是说“我为你骄傲,你是一个有天赋的足球员。”

       树立自信心。研究证实有自信心的孩子相信自己能战胜困难,所以他们更能坚持不懈。帮助孩子树立自信心。为他们获得成功而喝彩,清楚地告诉孩子您是如何为他自 豪。清晰明了的表扬比语焉不详地说“干得好”更有意义。遇到挫折时,您更应该往正面意义想,强调挫折是通往成功大道的荆棘。最后记得鼓励孩子,您相信他们终有一天会取得成功。

       不要帮孩子解决问题。即使您想帮,也要注意切勿越俎代庖。假如您帮孩子做代数作业,周末还帮他做恐龙模型,您就该知道这只能帮他们一时,帮不了一世。孩子需 要自己经历挫折,通过自身努力解决问题,树立自信心。因此您应该帮孩子找出问题所在,讨论解决问题的方法,鼓励孩子采取行动并随时给出建议,让他们发现可 以靠自己的努力获得成功。

       教导孩子,人生需要做出选择。一味地关心成功或失败会让孩子对现实抱有不切实际的幻想,让所有活动变得索然无味。比如您的孩子是个优秀毕业生、橄榄球队和举 重队队长、弗拉明戈舞冠军、在每出戏剧中担任主角,突然他沮丧万分,只因为他没能当上学校管弦乐团的首席小提琴手。这时您就应该向孩子说明,没有人能赢得 所有东西,这是一段宝贵的经验,而不是一段出于好玩、争强好胜失败的惨痛回忆。帮助孩子安排好日程表,想好什么是最重要的,制定符合实际的目标,这样他才能在自己最看重的事情上如愿以偿。

       毋庸置疑,孩子会经历挣扎和失败,不过我们可以教导孩子将挫折当作转机,强调挫折不过是解决问题时必须克服的困难。鼓励孩子,给他们信心,只要勤奋和坚持,没有攻克不了的困难。以身作则,不要在自己的六岁小孩一求你去钓鱼时就马上扔掉手头上的事。通过引导孩子视挫折为过程而非结果,我们便教会了他们通往成功最重要 的一课。

 

Savvy Life Skill: Dealing with Success tony's picture Submitted by tony on March 23, 2008 - 3:03pm. successhappy

We all want our kids to be successful. We get them math tutors, drive them to summer drama camps, buy them fancy tennis rackets, and encourage them to study with the best violin teachers-- all so that they have no barriers to success. But experts (vying for this year's Ironic Parenting Tip Award) now believe that success might be hampered by . . . success! Yes, you read that correctly. According to some journalists and researchers, too much early success might be hurting recent college graduates' adjustment to working life. Many employers believe the newest generation of job seekers expects too much-high pay, interesting work, flexible schedules-and without paying their dues. A professor who studies this phenomenon, Dr. Mel Levine, believes that students aren't prepared for the workforce because parents and schools coddle them. Kids are sprinkled with achievements so much, so early, and so easily, and they believe that succeeding in the real world will be the same. You can help change this phenomenon. Not that you should discourage your kids from striving to achieve, but perhaps some of the following concepts will help you think about the proper balance between helping your kids succeed while ensuring that your kids' early successes don't hamper their long-term achievement.

Offer perspective. Parents are declaring their kid a genius because she learned to tie a double knot without being taught or received five more star stickers than any other student in second grade. Yes, we want to encourage our kids and congratulate them when they do well, so don't burn the stickers. But keep your celebrations and praise reasonable. If we turn an A on a spelling quiz into a three-ring circus, we shouldn't be surprised when our kids are disappointed at their first job when they successfully complete a task and no one comes running out with balloons, cake, and party hats.

Don't protect your kids from failure. Teachers and parents don't want anyone to feel left out, which is why there is a trend that every kid must be succeeding at everything all the time. For example, because high school graduation excludes non-seniors, many schools now celebrate graduation for every class. And sports leagues don't want to have losers, so they give trophies to every participant. But without occasionally being left out of a success or even [gasp!] failing, our kids will not appreciate success and will not learn how to deal with failure productively. Encourage your child to try things even if success isn't certain. If your son wants to play on the high school basketball team, get him to try out even if he probably won't make it. Convince him to take AP physics if he is interested, even if the class is supposed to be hard. The worst thing that can happen is getting cut from the team or a bad grade, which may even inspire him to work harder in the future. The best thing that can happen is a success he can feel great about.

Praise effort and mastery. Kids can be praised for innate abilities ("Great job getting that grade. You are so smart."), or kids can be praised for putting in the effort to master a skill or task ("Great job getting that grade. You really applied yourself and figured out the material."). Research shows that praising innate ability can actually decrease your child's motivation and perseverance. If a kid believes her success is due to her intelligence or natural gifts then she will feel that any result is beyond her control-either she is a good enough soccer player to make the team or she isn't. Further, this mindset means every challenge could expose an innate deficiency-no one wants to take a test where the result will determine whether or not they are talented or smart. These kids are more likely to avoid challenges and quit quickly. On the other hand, if a kid thinks success is due to hard work, then she will feel that she controls the outcome of any challenge, and will see failure as a mandate to work harder. These kids have much greater long-term success. Of course, you can still tell your kids they are smart or talented, but try to focus on how they applied themselves and mastered certain skills rather than just declaring them gifted little geniuses.

Create self-confident kids. Many parents worry that too much success might turn their kids into snobs or braggarts. We all know the guy we avoid at every cocktail party because he won't stop talking about his recent tennis victories, his kids' difficult choice between Harvard and Princeton, and how bonus season this year really worked out well. But excessive cockiness is not a sign of too much success. Rather, it is usually rooted in insecurity and lack of self-confidence. Develop your child's self-confidence by praising them appropriately and giving plenty of love and support. Don't push your kids too hard to succeed at everything or make them feel bad about failures. If you make your kids comfortable with themselves and discuss the importance of humility, they won't get a big head from success.

Success isn't everything. Many parents and kids get so caught up in achieving goals that they lose sight of many other important parts of life. Good grades aren't as important as learning, state championships aren't a substitute for happiness, and trophies don't excuse your child from being a decent human being. You want your kid to develop into a happy, healthy, confident, thoughtful, and likable person. Consider how success plays a role in that process, but don't let a thirst for achievement and awards overshadow those big picture goals.

Success is important, but if we make accomplishments very easy to obtain or consider every completed task a great triumph, success losses its value. And if we focus on success above all else, our kids might lose sight of more important goals. Instead, praise your kids for their accomplishments but offer perspective, demonstrate with your own life how success should be handled, and stress the value of hard work over natural ability. This solid grounding mixed with plenty of love and encouragement will be a great recipe for success both in childhood and beyond.

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